Weight? Wait?

I don't know what it is but I've been feeling down these past couple days. Mom commented on my weight last night and it doesn't make me feel any better. Everyone knows I love food so its going to be hard giving that up. Is it possible to lose weight just by eating constantly?  wish it was or else I would be as skinny as chuck. It annoys me that he can eat anything he wants and doesn't gain a ounce. He says look perfect but I just feel like a huge pumpkin. I want to go to the gym but I have no motivation or money to apply there. It doesn't help that I'm around food basically all day. I heard today on the radio that there is a thing called "love weight". I know I have it. Chuck and I went to wildwood a couple times to walk the trails. It sucked a little bc I just kept looking at the dead trees and gross ground. I want to fit into size 12 jeans again. My cramps make me not wanna eat anything but I eat gum sometimes. When chuck or I smoke, I always get hungry; then I instantly pig out. I want to wait to lose weight bc making time for the gym and planning my meals is kind of stressful at least to me anyway. My whole life, mom and everyone else has commented on my weight and now I have the lowest self esteem ever. Chuck doesn't even cuddle with me after sex and it makes me feel like I'm a cow in a girls body. As soon as he cums, he gets dressed to play his game. I usually lay there for a minute before going to the bathroom to shame myself. No matter what he says, I'm not pretty and I feel it. I'm going to start trying to eat less but as for going to the gym, That will probably be held off for a while. Last time I knew, I weighed 220 and I'm pretty sure that's the heaviest I've ever been. I am going to legit try but there are no promises on that. maybe I was just ment to be this way. I wont know until I try.

I love him?

I don't know who I am. My birth certificate says Teija Mosley but I feel like someone else. Me and him are semi getting along but lately I don't feel it anymore. I know my heart is changing but I try to not think about it. When he says "I love you" to me, My stomach flips but my heart doesn't jump anymore. He texted Angel saying "Sup" and its funny bc last night I told him if he wanted any female friends that he could have them single. He doesn't listen to me and it makes me hate him. He doesn't get that I'm done. I plan to leave him but  I don't know when. I love him but he doesn't want to be with just me. I try so hard to be the best friend to him but he isn't trying to be a good boyfriend to me. I'm the one that makes food and I'm the one that does laundry. I do everything while he smokes and plays his game. I'm just tired. I'm working a lot more and I'm so stressed. I want to go back to school and go into the army. I hate how I'm feeling like shit all the time. I want us to be a normal couple but he is always starting something. He talks about marriage and kids but I'm like fuck that. I'm not telling my kids that their father is fucking some hoe while I'm taking care of them. HELL NO!!! Everyone tells me that I can do better but he is my 1st love. I want my happily ever after so bad. I just don't know anymore. As soon as we break up, he goes and tells all of his hoes. EVERYTIME. If frustrates me bc he knows how I feel about him and he goes and does me like that. I cant talk to mom, TT, Tanesha, or anyone else bc then they tell me to leave him and I know I cant do that. I mean the sex is good even tho I never get an orgasm. I can count on 2 hands how many times Ive gotten an orgasm having sex with him. Hes not bad or little but he cums within like 4 minutes. He likes when I twerk on him but then he cums while I do it. He knows I like my hair pulled and for him to fuck me hard but he never does it. He might fuck me kinda hard while doing doggy but still. I want my hair pulled and for him to smack my ass. He acts like I'm going to break. I want him to deep throat me but he rarely does it. I told him I'm kinky and showed him what I like but he just wont do it. I want him to hand cuff me and fuck me until I cant say my own name. But he isn't into it. I have my vibrators but I would like to get more into it with him. He has a big dick and I wish he would learn how to use it. Its hard telling him how I want sex to go bc he doesn't understand why I like it. I guess I will stick to my vibrators. I want to cheat. I want to know how he feels after he does. I felt regret and sadness when I did it when he first started dating. I want to feel his acomlishment and his happiness from doing it. He pretends everything is fine after everything he does. I don't know how he does it. Its like I don't know him anymore. I don't think I ever really knew him.